I was noticing that I was very irritable this week. The smallest things “made me angry”. As if any situation has control of our emotions. I was pondering this situation. It occurred to me that I may have some free floating anger that was latching on to anything it could find. And there were plenty of opportunities for that with all the chaos that was happening this week. I got curious about what thing was the real focus of my anger. I didn’t figure that out yet. I am aware that there is a lot of fodder for anger in my emotional life at this time. If I keep open and asking with questions, it will come to me. The interesting thing, as I pondered all of these questions, the anger lessened considerably. 

I have no idea what is going to happen now that my husband and principle bread winner is unemployed. Sometimes I feel very out of control, not that we ever really have control. There could be a great deal of denial too. Denial… De Nile, a great river that runs through all of us. What is in the pipe line for us is already is process. There is probably not much I can do to change it. However, my attitude and choices I make, will make a difference in the end. Resistance is futile. This is the time to go with the flow. I was not in the “flow” this week. I did the best  icould. I hope that I was a beneficial presence to all.

I am off to Harrisburg to teach energy work. I hope that it is a good weekend. I am going to meet up with some friends and my youngest. Mom has to check out the apartment and bring cookies.

One day at a time. I am very tired. off to bed.

We can make up all kinds of stories based on  a perceived situation that is unfolding in life. Ya have ta watch what movies your preplay. According to the Law of Attraction, we are what we think about. In fact, my tag line on my business brochure is “We are more than what we see and we are what we believe”. I want to have really possitive preplays. But some days it can be very hard to do that. So I work on suspending my thoughts.

With that being said, I had several insights last weekend.

Tea Bags. Tea, black tea, green tea, red tea, white tea, herb tea… They are just leaves. They don’t release their goodness untill you put them in hot water. I was steeping some tea and smelling the sweet scent. I was noticing the tea infusing the water. First it was the clear hot water and tea bag. Slowly the color, fragrence spread slowly through the water. Finally the tea is steeped and ready to drink. Ah, wonderful. I was thinking about my current evolving situation.  I am wondering if I have been in enought hot water to release my essence (or if I have more coming).

The other insight: The last several weeks we have been leveling the cottage. Over time buildings settle. They may settle more on one side and less on another side. It was really quite of process to wittness, and feel. The cottage is 100 years old. It has been in our family all that time. The west side needed to be raised 3″ and the east side needed 7″. I found that I could not walk inside the building. I kept triping over my feet, particularly in the dinning room and kitchen. In fact, I ran into the refrigerator every time I walked in the kitchen for the first day. It was rather humorus.

When you are making changes (you initiate or the universe initiates), your life becomes unstable. Hopefulle, the process will make you more balanced in the end. In the case above, I was used to walking on uneven floors. I had no problem walking on the uneven floors. But when we leveled the cottage, I couldn’t walk for a day or so. I had to get used to the new way. A level cottage will support it for a much longer life. Lets extrapolate this further. If you give up coffee, it will be a rough several days/weeks until you get used to the new pattern. You will be healthier for the adventure, but it will be a challange going through the change. It won’t feel right. You want that coffee. All you can think about is that coffee. You can’t go by your favorite coffee shoppe. But, if you stick with it, it will be come the new pattern and you won’t even think about coffee. Being the wife of the newly unemployed freed up husband, I am walking very uncertain terrain. My life is going through some kind of leveling. It is very scary. I might trip up, probably will trip up sometimes. If I keep on doing the next right thing, one day at a time, I/we will get through this to some end. It will be the best for all concerned. When I get through this, I will be more balanced. I will have more of my self.  Remind me of this on some of those “bad” days.

“If you bring forth what is within you,

What you bring forth will save you.

If you do not bring forth what is within you,

What you do not bring forth will destroy you.

As attributed to Jesus Christ

The Gospel of Thomas

Well that rather blew me away. I think that I will keep this as my theme. Sometimes I have held back in life. The dreams I have for me, have been on hold for a long time. This week I will work on my Dream (Vision) Board. I realize that my family is in a pickle. But this might be the vinegar that gets me off my arse. I do like dill pickles.

An interesting suprise happened today. My son found a Course in Miracles group that started this afternoon. So we went. He will have to do this long distance. We have a small group of 5 that will meet by conference call or skype and the big group will meet every other Sunday. I have been through part of the lessons and text. I stopped during the last job loss. Maybe now it is time to get back on track.

Yesterday, my son and I canned tomatoes. One bushel yielded 21 quarts plus a few for eating. I have canned by myself but it is more fun and easier to do this project with others. To make this even more fun, we recorded it. I hope to have it up on U Tube by tomorrow night.

I did make a pot of sauce. It is amazing to watch a pot FULL of tomatoes, cook down to a 1/3 of a pot. My son would like to learn how to make egg plant parmigiana. Soprano’s is an Italian grocery in a town about an hour from here. When I am sent there to see patients, I bring my cooler. They have the best homemade pasta. I think that I will bring them out tomorrow night too.

It is late and I am tired.

I was thinking about a time in my life (a very loooooong time) that was very dark. I was so unhappy, and everything was a struggle. It occurred to me that I never had any Joy. Then it occurred to me that I could ask for Joy. So I did. And I started to feel Joy. My outer circumstances didn’t change right away. But I was feeling Joy more and more. Eventually, my outer circumstances did change. I find it curious, to experience 2 emotions at the same time. An example would be to feel angry at someone and also love. Growing up, I would have never put those two in the same sentence. I used to think that “anger” and “hate” might go in the same sentence. I don’t feel that any more. Wednesday was a Joy day. To boot, I was finished work on time!

Thursday, I was deep in despair. The enormity of this situation is overwhelming. It is very easy to slip into fear and catastrophic thinking. Oh, the stories you can build. Oh the stories I am building. Hmmm. The thing is, if I continue that practice, I will bring it upon myself, by the Law of Attraction. I did call a friend and had my “pity party”.  Then she reminded me of who I am and why I am here. In the evening, my son and I did a Thoth Tarot reading. It was right on. I can achieve success based on how I handle my self through this current, temporary turbulence in my life. Duh! Of course! The one choice I have is attitude. The situation is what it is. I didn’t directly create it, but apparently I have some learning to do. One day at a time and with the help of my family/friends, I will do that and create a new life.

Today, Friday, was better. I need to complete the forms for recertifying as a Healing Touch Certified Practitioner and Instructor. I have a couple of snags to work out. Healing Touch classes have been difficult to get going for me over the last 2 years. There was a variety of reasons for that, including the chaos in my own life (relocating, new job etc.). This week I have scheduled 4 Healing Touch Level 1 classes for the fall and spring! Yippee. Now I doubly have to get that paper work together.

My son and husband worked to complete some big yard projects. My son learned how to roto-route down spout drainage sites and to cut pavers. The new paver pads look very nice. Now we need rain to set the sand and check out the down spout drainage. It may rain tomorrow. It rains a lot here. Tomorrow I will teach my son how to can tomatoes. We will also start a BIG pot of sauce. Hopefully, some of that will be for canning.

One of the things I am doing for work is heading a committee to do a Vision or Dream Board. This is an effort to help our unit run smoother with everybody feeling satisfied and happy with their contribution. I would like hospice to be the premiere unit for our hospital system. I have done Vision Boards for myself. I think that my husband and I need to do one together. Did you ever know that people teach what they need to learn the most.

My husband is diligently contacting his network, upgrading the resume, doing web searches for position postings, following up on calls etc. It is really different. Do you remember typing the cover letter and resume on premium paper? So much is done online. Just amazing.

I can’t believe this is happening. You think that it happens to someone else, out there. Never in my wildest dreams! But it is happening to us/me, John and Jane Q Public. We have worked hard our whole lives and raised and educated two fine young men. We have helped countless people along the way. Here we are, a few years short of retirement and basically S.O.L. Somehow I/we are going to need to go deep within to find our answers.

During this time, I have had the opportunity to learn many things. One biggy was to “not worry”. Worrying and fretting only serves to raise the blood pressure, set you up for heart attack or stroke or cancer or accidents or something else. I didn’t really want any of those aforementioned outcomes. So I choose not to worry. Does that mean I never worried or was anxious? No, of course not. However, when I would slip into that state, I would catch myself and start thinking other thoughts. I would put some great music on. Or I would listen to “The Secret” or Young Living Oil educational CD. It worked.

My husband was very clever. He is very good at making, maintaining relationships. That is why he is so good at his job, fundraising. He wrote up an email newsletter, letting all his family, friends and acquaintance know what had happened and asked their help. Help came in the form of leads, prayers, good wishes, phone calls, lunch etc. It paid off. Through his diligence, contacts, and hard work, he found, was offered and accepted a position in upstate NY. We left NY 20 years ago. I never thought that I would get back there. Ya never know about these things.

Now we have the task of packing, selling the house, finding temporary (I hope it is really temporary) housing, buying a house, moving and making a life for our self in a new town. It will be new friends, new jobs, new routine, new almost everything. That is OK. It gives me time to do a lot of de-cluttering…. getting rid of what I don’t need any more.

My husband found a great job. Eureka! For that I am happy. Now it is time for me to explore the new opportunities opening for me.